by George Wolf
G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
At the risk of sounding too much like Grandpa Simpson…In my day G.I. Joe had Kung Fu grip and that was all and we liked it!
Before G.I. Joe: Retaliation started to roll, my wife asked me if I knew any of the characters besides good old Joe. Since the long ago days when I played with the action figures, it seems there was a cartoon and one previous movie. Though I was vaguely aware of 2009’s The Rise of Cobra, I have to admit I didn’t know Cobra Commander from Cobra Kai (sweep the leg!)
The point is, this G.I. Joe sequel is ridiculously bad, only redeemed by one sweet mountainside action sequence and the curious moments where it seems to know how bad it is and lets some self-aware humor sneak in.
If lines such as “Soon the world will bow down to Zues,” and “Storm Shadow, tell us Zartan’s plans or die!” sound more suited for Saturday-morning fare, A) you’re correct and B) you’ll be disappointed to learn this dreck was written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick. These guys wrote the sublime Zombieland, and knowing that hurts my heart.
Director Jon M. Chu brings a resume loaded with the Step Up movies and a Justin Beiber concert film, which makes perfect sense. Retaliation sports the volume, pace, and emotional depth of a frenetic music video.
Oh, there’s Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis, finally deciding to team up since they’re in every other movie anyway. Johnson flexes well and makes sure the Under Armour logo gets screentime, while Willis lands some good one liners, especially when he insists on calling the female Joe “Brenda” even though her name is Jaye. And ladies, you get Channing Tatum (with a fake facial scar – rugged!) for a full 9 or 10 minutes!
Most of Retaliation truly seems aimed at kids, with just enough silly narrative and sophomoric exposition to move things from one scene of extreme bloodless violence to the next. Then, just to throw the adults a funny bone, a joke about taxes or North Korea comes flying in from left field.
The biggest joke, though, was on me, as I actually stayed through the credits thinking there might be an extra scene.
2 stars (out of 5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSX2oxLdcWA
ON THE ROAD
It is hard to believe Jack Kerouac’s seminal buddy adventure On the Road has not been made into a film before now. It makes sense that director Walter Salles was the filmmaker to finally tackle it, since his The Motorcycle Diaries was sort of Che Guevara’s version of the same existential, cross-continental, life-defining trip. For Road’s Sal Paradise (the author’s alter ego), though, this trip ended in the birth of America’s Beat Generation (as opposed to Latin America’s interest in Communism). But still, you know, important stuff.
Paradise (Sam Riley), of course, strikes up a bond with enigmatic wild man Dean Moriarty, played by Tron: Legacy’s Garrett Hedlund and based on Kerouac’s buddy Neal Cassady. The rest of the tale sees the author outlining the interweaving lives, intimacies and inspirations of the various Beat writers, changing their names without truly concealing their identities.
While the entire cast has big shoes to fill, Hedlund is most challenged. Moriarty/Cassady presents a larger than life character to try to portray. Both Hunter S. Thompson (in Hell’s Angels) and Charles Bukowski (in Notes of a Dirty Old Man) depicted Cassady as a tragically beautiful, untamed spirit. Take note: if Bukowski and Thompson think you are wild…you, sir, are the real deal.
Hedlund strikes a nice pose, but he hasn’t the guts to pull the character off. High energy, good looking, a little damaged, but hardly the magnetic force of nature that inspired so many writers.
Riley fares a bit better as the artistically needy Paradise, and Twilight’s Kristen Stewart surprises the shit out of everyone by doing a fine job as young sexpot Marylou.
They’re joined by a host of excellent cameos, including Viggo Mortensen as Old Bull Lee (based on William S. Burroughs), and an especially nutty Amy Adams as his wife Jane (based on Joan Vollmer).
Salles makes the most of the cast he’s got, and his poetic way with a camera saturates the picture with a lovely, nostalgic quality. He mixes in frenetic party scenes, fluid road sequences, and enough bongo and snare to remind us we are witnessing the birth of the beat. Still, having inspired countless other adventures, On the Road doesn’t feel too fresh, and Salles can’t uncover the vitality that fueled this landmark road trip in the first place.
He has crafted a very pretty film, competently assembled and pleasantly performed. Really, On the Road should amount to more than that.
3 stars (out of 5)
THE HOST
A young girl, plunged into a supernatural adventure, is torn between the abiding love of two handsome, upstanding, oddly respectful young men. Whom will she choose?
Nope, this one is The Host, the newest effort by Twilight author Stephanie Meyer, who clearly has a one-track mind.
The earth has long been occupied by an alien race of Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style parasites. (Except these aliens are pretty, glowy guys, so expect a far softer ending. Indeed, expect an ending so soft, so convenient that it undoes any amount of credibility the film struggles to create.)
When Melanie (Saiorse Ronin), one of the few remaining humans, is captured, her will to live and be herself makes it difficult for her alien parasite Wanderer to take her body over completely. Now the two battle it out over control of the body, as well as dating decisions.
Both crushes (Max Irons, Jake Abel) keep their shirts on – just one of the ways director Andrew Niccol finds to tell a more understated, less creepy version of basically the same story as Meyer’s unforgivably popular Twilight.
Another huge difference – the great Saiorse Ronin stars. Perhaps you think it’s a bit premature to call a 19-year-old great. You are incorrect. Ronin is a phenomenal talent, and while The Host may not be her best effort, she is certainly superior to the material.
Most of the film consists of Ronin (in voice over) fighting with Ronin (in the flesh), as she plays two characters trapped in the same body. The performer possesses a calm control that grounds not only her performance, but the film itself, elevating the silliness to something surprisingly watchable. (I’m not going to lie, you’re better off just renting Hanna again.)
While Ronin helps to make the content palatable by sheer force of talent, Niccol can’t manage the same. His film plods ever onward, often filling the screen with beautiful images, but never finding any forward momentum. Trimming 30 minutes from his 125 minute run time would have helped a great deal.
But then, we’d have been spared some of the bludgeoning of Meyer’s wisdoms aimed at today’s young women. What can we learn? You must fight to be who you are, girls! Also, prejudice is bad. And violence – violence is bad..mmmkay?
And, of course, wouldn’t it be exciting if two hot boys wanted to kiss you at the same time?
2 stars (out of 5)
THE GATEKEEPERS
The Gatekeepers, a 2012 Oscar nominee for Best Documentary, finally debuts in Columbus this weekend, and it proves to be a fascinating, informative, and often frustrating take on the complex state of world affairs.
Israeli director Dror Moreh presents the first ever interviews with the six surviving former heads of Shin Bet, Israel’s intelligence agency. Through their frank recollections and candid revelations, we not only get valuable history lessons, but sobering reminders of how these lessons apply to today’s headlines.
As you might guess, at the heart of the film is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and Moreh traces it as far back as the Six Day War of 1967, when Israeli forces conquered Syria, Jordan and Egypt. Though tensions go back much further, the case is made that it is around this time that Shin Bet began to focus on what were, in their view, terrorist attacks against Israel.
The smart bombs strikes depicted in Syriana and the intense manhunts of Zero Dark Thirty come to life through stunning archival footage and the occasional reenactment. This blood is real, and the rationale for spilling it becomes clouded as the former Shin Bet leaders open up about what they’ve learned.
Moreh doesn’t pass any judgements on why the men finally agreed to talk, but it isn’t hard to draw your own conclusions.
Telling phrases such as “One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter” give you a glimpse into the souls of men who have come to doubt the very philosophies they once risked their lives for.
Though it does get a bit dry toward the end, much of the film is nothing short of riveting. The men, after all they’ve seen, do seem to favor the “separate state” solution, but there are no easy answers provided and no happy endings expected.
Instead, we are left with an air of tragic futility as The Gatekeepers, even coming as it does from a distinctly one-sided perspective, courageously questions allegiances, motives, and history itself.
4 stars (out of 5)